As the title alludes to, this message is directed towards fathers, but there are some aspects that can be applicable to mothers as well. I have only been a father for 10 years and my kids are still fairly young. So I am not in the least bit qualified to be giving any kind of parenting advice, but here is some wisdom that has been passed on to me that might be helpful reminders for other current fathers and it might be insightful for future fathers-to-be:
1. Demonstrate by your words and actions that you are sincerely devoted to God and madly in love with your wife. One of the things that will bring a child the most comfort and security is knowing that their mom and dad are committed to each other and not going anywhere.
2. Say you are sorry to your kids: When you get upset and raise your voice too loudly, ask for their forgiveness. When you say something mean or in a condescending tone (this will happen at some point), demonstrate humility by letting them know that you have areas in your life that you are still working on and trying to improve at.
3. “Put” your kids to bed, don’t “send” them to bed: Spend 5 minutes (or more) a night, just laying next to them in their bed every night. This is a good way to end the night on a personal and positive note with your child. Sometimes they will randomly ask you a serious question. As a parent, you can’t really plan for when those kinds of deep discussions are going to happen. While in bed, play with them. Wrestle with them. Tickle them. Give them back scratches. Draw letters on their back (see if they can guess the word you are spelling). Hug them. Kiss them goodnight (yes, dads…kiss your son also). Say, “I love you” every night. At a marriage conference my wife and I went to a decade ago, I still remember one of the speakers telling us, “My dad often told me he loved me, but still…I could never hear it enough.”
4. This too shall pass: Being a parent is a great opportunity to grow in patience and grace. It is common having to repeat yourself and to be tested in these areas. “Please get your shoes on.” “Go brush your teeth.” “Remember to go potty if you need to go.” Over and over and over again. There was a time when one of my kids was in the potty-training phase. They were literally 5 feet away from the toilet…and decided that it was better to let the floodgates break loose in the hallway rather than taking 3 more steps into the bathroom and using the toilet as previously discussed 100 times. A good opportunity for me to build my patience, right?
Another time was when I walked into the bathroom and saw one of my kids sitting on the toilet. I’m gonna be real…it looked like they had just finished an intense wrestling match with a big #2. I can certainly say that in all my life, I have never seen a human being or a toilet covered in so much poop. But guess what? “This too shall pass.” They are going to grow out of this phase in due time. It’s common for our living room to be a mess. For stuffed animals to be in hallway. To step on Legos in bare feet. To get into my bed to find a plastic toy lodged under my back. But in a really weird way, I am going to miss the messes. I’ve come to realize that you can take joy in cleaning up after your kids (not to the point of spoiling them). Because if you’re cleaning up their messes…that means that you still have the joy of them currently being in your presence.
5. Piggy-backing off of the previous point, one of my favorite quotes of all time is from the Robbin Williams’ movie, “Hook.” Williams (Peter Pan in the movie) is a father who is a work-a-holic and has just missed his son’s baseball game after promising that he was going to be there to cheer his son on. Instead, he got held up in a work meeting. His wife has the wisdom to inform him of the reality of the situation as she gently says,
- “Your children love you. They want to play with you. How long do you think that lasts? Soon Jack (son) may not even want you to come to his games. We have a few special years with our children, when they’re the ones that want us around. After that, you’re going to be running after them for a bit of attention. It’s so fast, Peter. It’s a few years, then it’s over. And you are not being careful. And you are missing it.”In the past, there were times when my oldest son would come into our bedroom at 2 AM because he had a bad dream. He would come over on my side of the bed and hop in under the covers with me to be comforted. After five minutes, he would hop back out and return to his bed. Then a few hours later, my youngest son would call for me and want me to come into his bed for a few minutes (sometimes I wonder if they have a secret night schedule and are intentionally taking shifts to make sure that I am sleep deprived). It was a lightbulb moment from God that changed my perspective when He helped me realize that these “middle of the night cuddles” will only happen for a year or two with each kid…then they will never call for me ever again. I suddenly received a lot more patience and started viewing it as a blessing that they want me to comfort and cuddle with them. As weary as you might feel…as repetitive as it might seem…as inconvenient as it may be…try to appreciate every moment of these golden years while they last, because when they’re gone, they’re gone.
6. 1-On-1 Time: Build a relationship with your child as early as possible. Try to find ways to do things just the two of you. It could be something simple: doughnut date, Jamba Juice run, a walk around the block, a drive to Home Depot, play at a nearby park, or breakfast at McDonalds. Just do something. My dad was an amazing example to me growing up. He was so intentional and tried every day to do something with me and my brothers. I remember during my summer years in high school, I would be at home and my dad’s work was about 10 minutes away. On his 30-minute lunch break, it was common for him to drive 10 minutes home, play a video game with me for 10 minutes, then drive 10 minutes back to work and eat at his desk. Here are a few things that have worked well for me and have really strengthened my relationship with each of my kids.
- Camping: Once a year in the summer, I will use a day of paid vacation to go camping with each kid. The first night with one kid, swap kids the next day and then stay another night with my next kid.
- Birthdays: On their birthday week, I take a half day off from work to hang out with them and do whatever they want. Some years we will go watch a movie they want to see. Other years, we will go roller skating. For my son, we will just stay home, eat pizza, and play video games and board games all day. I know that not every father has the opportunity to take days off from work in this manner, but if you can, it will send the message to your kids that, “You are more important than my job.” They will never forget these days.
- Daddy-Daughter Dance: Look around online and try to find a place that does Valentines or Spring Daddy-Daughter Dance. You both will treasure those times for the rest of your lives.
To all of the dads out there, I hope this was helpful. I encourage you to be the involved father and leader that God has called you to be. Thank you for reading and God bless!
JLLDS Ministries 