I grew up as a traditional Christian. But when I turned 16, I hit a rough patch in my life. It caused my Mormon friends to start talking to me about their beliefs. I felt so alone and without purpose. I had no self-esteem. So when I was told that God had re-established his church and that I could know I was in good standing with him by obeying his new commandments, I fell so hard for it. It became my identity. My self-esteem was rooted in the good works I was doing for God’s church. I served a very successful two-year mission and married my Mormon girlfriend. I thought I was going to be that Christian guy who found the true gospel and was going to help convert a ton of Christians to Mormonism.
My wedding was during covid so we could not get sealed in a temple (Mormon wedding) because they were closed. And when they opened again, my wife wanted to get sealed but I wanted to do some research first just so I understood what I was committing to, to be the best husband and man of God possible. I stumbled on a rabbit hole that led me to polygamy, punishment oaths, Brigham Young’s teachings on women and race, and Joseph Smith’s problems. I started to question. I asked my bishop questions and I felt like they were just shutting me down or telling me I could not trust history. Then some friends I was close to left the church and became atheists. All of a sudden, I felt like I was stuck between staying Mormon and keeping my identity and marriage intact or cursing it all and accepting the fact that God did not exist.
I messed around with atheism a little, but so many of the people were so bitter and angry. It felt like the same thing about Mormonism. If I did not get 100 percent agreement with it, then there is no God. Then I decided to ask the question, “Who was Jesus?” I looked into the historical figure, Case for Christ and what most historic scholars said. Most agreed that he existed. Then I started reading the Bible a little and began listening to the difference between Christianity and Mormonism. I even went and interviewed pastors of different churches. I just wanted answers. I think the day that changed me was when I realized that I was trying to earn God’s favor instead of just accepting it. I hated myself so much that I thought there was no way God would love me unless I worked towards him. To understand that he knows everything I ever did yet still loved me so much that sent his son to take my place was crippling and life changing. I think everyone needs to understand this forgiveness because it allows us to forgive ourselves and others. How could anyone ever love me that much?
In the Book of Mormon, it says we are saved by grace AFTER all we can do (2 Nephi 25:23). As I started to read about the apostle Paul and his epistles, I learned that’s not true. We are saved by grace through faith so that no man can boast (Ephesians 2:8-9). I was just like the foolish Galatians. I had run from God trying to prove I deserved to be close to him. I needed to go back and read the gospels, not as instructions or how I need to live, but rather as a story of what God has already done and can still do inside of me. This truly freed me from years of shame and guilt. I describe it to people as I was like the rich young ruler who came to Jesus asking what I must do to get eternal life. And eventually going away sad because as hard as I tried, there was no way I could do it. (I didn’t understand it was about what Jesus did). But now I feel like the apostle Paul when he said he considered all he was and all he did as garbage and that he gave it all up for Christ (Philippians 3:8). I’m happy to say my wife and I are both in Christ now and are currently planning our baptism as new believers.
I will tell you I am still weak. I desire deeply to reach out to my Mormon community and share with them this new life, but the times I have tried, I have been so heavily shut down. We live in Utah and there’s not a ton of LDS missionary-minded people around us. A lot of my Mormon friends shun me. A lot of my ex-Mormon friends are atheist and think that I am brainwashed. I have been praying to connect with other mission-minded believers and for God to open my life to a community of believers who come from a similar background or at least understand the Mormon baggage.
Below is a photo of my legitimate baptism in Christ, which happened in the fall of 2023.
JLLDS Ministries 